Source: andreswd / Getty
Brittany Broaddus-Smith, Christian Sexologist, Speaker, and Licensed Social Worker, brings a unique perspective on sexless marriages. Her personal experience of a 10-year sexless marriage has not only fueled her passion for Christian wives who desire sex more than their husbands but also instilled in her a deep empathy for women suffering in silence in the pews of the church and in marriages where their sex lives were not thriving. Broaddus-Smith now bridges the gap between science and sexuality to establish pleasure as pure, understanding the complexities and challenges of these situations.
Within the context of the church and Christian communities, sex has often been a taboo topic of conversation due to a misunderstanding of scripture. The subject of sex is frequently overlooked, intentionally avoided, or has many misconceptions. In my observation over the years, married couples are sometimes secretive about their marriage; this adds another layer. While I understand that marriage is sacred and it is essential to maintain a level of honor by keeping specific aspects of the marriage from public view, even in spaces where it’s safe to have these conversations, they are still not discussed. Singles are left with mainstream culture’s perspective of sex and marriage to guide their behaviors, expectations, and desires.
The issue of sexlessness in marriage, a topic rarely discussed, is silently affecting marriages within the church. This is why my conversation with Broaddus-Smith is so crucial. It helps uncover some misconceptions, such as the belief that a sexless marriage means no sex at all, and reveal truths, such as the fact that the amount of sex needed to maintain a healthy sexual relationship is dependent on individual couples, about this topic, which can be affirming and helpful to single and married individuals.
There was a lot to unpack in this conversation with Broaddus-Smith, and our interview lasted almost 2 hours. In this article, I want to zero in on the highlights: the misconceptions about sexless marriages within Christian communities, the role of abstinence in sexless marriages, the culture around transactional sex lives, and how to maintain healthy sexual relationships in marriage.
Source: Brittany Broaddus-Smith / Christian Sexologist & Intimacy Expert
“People think that sexless marriage means no sex at all when it’s more of a value and a threshold concept,” says Broaddus-Smith. This concept set the stage for our conversation and uncovered a common misconception I’ve fallen prey to. According to Broaddus-Smith, people throw around the phrase “right amount” when discussing how much sex a married couple should have when, instead, the amount of sex needed to maintain a healthy sexual relationship is dependent on individual couples. In some circumstances, sex once time a month could be sustainable, while for others, it may not be. Because many people gain their insight and expectations around sex from media, others, and culture, Broaddus-Smith has coached many couples whose perspectives of sex and marriage were not their own. There is no prescriptive outlook on how much sex each couple should have nor what it is to be; these are factors that are important to discuss amongst the couples. I discovered from Brittany in this conversation that it is vital for singles to understand the root of their desires and filter them through God’s truths.
Because sex is such a taboo topic, Christians often feel that they can’t have these conversations with their partners before marriage. “Sexual compatibility is created and not found.” “We are so afraid of sinning that we don’t even talk about our sexual expectations,” says Broaddus-Smith. If we do not have a dialogue about what our desires or expectations are for sex before getting married, this can set the stage for disappointment and sexual friction. During this conversation, I shared an account of a friend who said, “he should just know what he’s doing,” regarding a man’s sexual expertise in the bedroom. Brittany affirmed that many people hold this idea that a husband is solely responsible for setting the tone for sex, and the wife’s role is to comply. Because of this misconception and the overarching void in conversation around sex, many women are suffering in silence because they are not satisfied and not communicating this, and men are feeling burdened by having to carry the role of always initiating sex.
One value that I’ve gleaned from Broaddus-Smith as a follower of her content is that sex is from God, and thus, we shouldn’t feel “dirty” when having these conversations. We need to have conversations around sexual desires without fear of judgment from God. Broaddus-Smith believes that we have a fractured identity in that we see our sexual selves and our spiritual selves as two distinct things. Because we see these factors as different, we have a challenging time understanding God’s truth around sex.
As someone who has maintained abstinence for many years, the topic of abstinence’s role in sexless marriages has come up. One common question that Brittany is often asked by women who are abstaining and dating is, “When should I tell them that I am abstinent?” For single people, there’s a fear that because they are abstaining, they can be seen as less desirable and that sharing their preference would lead to rejection. Another interesting point about abstinence is the pressure that abstinent men face from abstinent women. In an attempt to maintain his vow, the abstaining man may not show physical affection, leaving the woman feeling undesirable. How does Broaddus-Smith share that this manifests in marriages that begin this way? Wives may not express their desire for sexual intimacy, placing the responsibility on husbands to initiate.
With the uncovering of some of the misconceptions about the role that abstinence plays in sexless marriages, it is essential to hear what practical steps support couples in maintaining a healthy sexual marriage.
How can couples maintain a healthy sexual relationship despite challenges such as stress, health issues, and past trauma?
Brittany stresses the importance of creating an environment where sex is valued and respected. She emphasizes the significance of establishing a culture where both partners show empathy and honor each other’s humanity. According to Broaddus-Smith, the concept of “women are worth waiting for” has led to self-centeredness in relationships and the development of transactional relationships. This has resulted in individuals entering relationships with a mindset of “What can I gain?” rather than “How can we work together, support, and submit to one another.” Due to the influence of the media, couples have come to believe that sex is always a spontaneous fantasy when, in reality, planning sex can be a practical and helpful tool that couples can use to maintain a healthy sexual relationship. This open and honest communication is key to fostering healthy sexual relationships and empowering couples to address their challenges and needs.
Furthermore, assessing and understanding each person’s emotional state at a given time can help couples engage better with each other sexually; for spiritually strong couples, sexual mechanics classes may also help improve the health of their sex life. It is beneficial for couples to read books together on these topics to ensure they convey the same ideas. Lastly, a biblical method to address sexlessness in marriage is through submission.
In conclusion, the dialogue with Brittany Broaddus-Smith has illuminated the complex nature of sexless marriages within Christian communities. It highlights the need for open communication, understanding personal desires through God’s will, and practical steps to foster healthy sexual relationships. By bridging the gap between science and spirituality, Broaddus-Smith offers a holistic approach to addressing sexual issues within marriages, providing a valuable resource for both singles and married couples in the church.
To learn more about Brittany Broaddus-Smith and her work visit: theintimacyfirm.com or Instagram.
Sade Solomon is a NYC-based social media personality and multi-hyphenate creator who boldly and fashionably ignites authentic and candid conversations on topics surrounding intercourse, singleness, and abstinence. After embarking on her journey of abstinence in 2013, Sade began openly sharing her life-changing commitment on various online platforms while enlightening and inspiring many through her journey. In her book, Ready, Set, Wait, Sade peels back the layers of truth about navigating singleness and abstinence as a single Christian woman. Her work and commentary have been featured by Good Morning America, Harper’s Bazaar, Essence, Black Love, and XO Necole.
MORE FROM SADE SOLOMON:
3 Ways Singles Can Grow Closer to God
Unashamed Desire: The Stigma Christian Women Face For Wanting Marriage
Breaking the Silence: A Deep Dive into Sexless Marriages With An Intimacy Expert was originally published on elev8.com
